I haven't been excited to do anything anymore. Almost on a daily basis, I feel everything is simply too much. I have fought for over ten years. Ten fucking years I've wanted to be given a reason that being on this Earth is worth it. That somewhere in the midst of all of the chaos there would be some form of light. I thought I had found that light several times, and each time it died out. My future child was my light, and the reality started to sit in that maybe that wasn't for me. My education was my light but how can you push forward if you don't get any enjoyment out of your studies anymore? When you sit there and think "What is the point in all of this?" you realized that light died out. I met several individuals throughout my entire years of being here. Each of them affected me in some way, shape or form. Some of them, I can look at and melt into. I feel safe. I feel I can do anything. I feel like this is my light. Each and every time they die out.
I've been searching for something to fill this emptiness inside me and frankly I'm so tired of being hurt, of being ignored, of being lied too. I'm so tired of the lack of communication. I'm so tired of feeling like a caged up animal. I just am so tired.
Everyone has a choice rather they want to stay here or go. No one should be forced by anyone else to stay here. Every day has turned into Russian roulette. I can't tell you where I'm going to be five years from now or even a week from now. I can't tell you when the last time I had felt happiness for more than 24 hours, or during the daylight under a sober mentality.
You know what I love to do? I love to go to the fair. I love celebrating holidays. I love watching movies. I love talking and singing dumb songs. I love the little things. This year I missed the fair, I didn't really celebrate Fourth of July, I haven't been able to sit down and just have fun. It hurts so much on a daily basis.
I just want out. I want out so god damn badly it's gotten to the point of its painful to sit here in this chair. I can't stand the idea of anyone else in my life disappearing on me, but I can't sit here and pretend that I'm okay. I can't tell you how many times I have screamed, begging for someone to just hear me out and help me up. I'm so lost and I can't find my way back.
I didn't want to stop hugging you. I didn't want to stop crying. I wanted to scream everything at you right there, but all that I could muster up was "I'm sorry.". I want so badly to tell you everything again just like before. I want to call you and cry and just talk for hours. I want you to understand. I don't want to hear silence from you. I want to hear your thoughts, your feedback your questons. I want you to fully understand how I feel, and if you don't I want you to dig until you do. I want that again so badly, and in the end maybe its better that we go our seperate ways. I have tired so hard to fight. To fight for myself, for my family, my friends, and for my future self. I'm tired of fighting.
I can't tell you how much longer this game is going to go on. It could be days, weeks, months, maybe years. I can't tell you how close I am to that edge but every day is a little step closer.
I'm sorry.
